A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT HORSE RIDERS

I’ve been giving some consideration over the last few days to horse riders. Forever the scourge of the English country side, this pompous breed of menace is renowned the world over for their arrogance and sheer disregard for fellow road users and pedestrians alike. Living in north Yorkshire and training for ultra-marathons, I have had numerous encounters with horse riders in my time, including this last weekend where my brother and I were forced to ask one of the “Chosen” for directions (This however is a different story altogether and will in fact be addressed in a future posting).

If dear reader you haven’t had the pleasure of encountering a rider in the flesh then I should let you in on a few secrets. There are prerequisites put in place by the horse riding community which must be met before one can even dream of taking the reins and calling themselves one of the “Chosen”. These rules have been passed down from generation to generation amongst the English landed gentry in order for riders to behave in the correct fashion when interacting with the public. Below are 3 examples of the rules which must be followed, taken directly from the horse riders’ committee web site www.NOBHED.com (National Organisational Body for Horse and Equestrian Development).

Rule 1

In order for horse training to commence, one must have features resembling those of the horse they wish to ride. This resemblance may manifest itself in an elongated face, bad teeth, a horsy laugh, pointy ears or eyes positioned too far apart on the face.

Rule 2

All riders must have a speech impediment resulting in “S” being pronounced “TH”. An example of this would be the word “horse” being pronounced “Horth”. If no speech impediment is forthcoming one is permitted to bite one’s own tongue in order to produce swelling, resulting in said impediment.

Rule 3

All riders must understand and be fully coherent with the following universal horse riding hand signals:

Signal 1:         Elbow bent upwards at 90 degrees, fingers fully extended

Meaning:       Stop. I am a horse rider and I am better than you. I have right of way so don’t even consider passing me until I allow it.


Signal 2:  Arm moved in a sweeping motion to advance cars forward.

Meaning: Since you have yielded to my command I have decided to allow you to pass. As you proceed, do not make eye contact with me as you are not worthy enough to do so.


Note:   Further to signal 1 and 2 there is a signal which drivers of cars may on occasion show you as they pass. This signal is described below.


Signal 3:  Arm bent at 90 degrees, hand in fist position with middle finger extended

Meaning:  Thank you my horse riding friend for allowing me to pass. You truly are the king of the road.

These laws are just a few of many which enable the local horse riding community to endear themselves to the wider road using public.

The behaviour of the Chosen on the roads is one thing; it may however concern you to hear that members of NOBHED have managed to infiltrate the local councils, swaying policy and getting laws passed to favour their brethren. Ever thought it odd that the council enforce so stringently the rules regarding dogs fouling in public areas yet not an eyelid is battered when a horse excretes more faeces in one sitting than the average K-9 would produce in a month. Now I’m not one for conspiracy theories but I believe this goes a little further than just coincidence.

Now you may be sitting at home reading this on your laptop thinking, “What the hell's this guy talking about. My girlfriends been riding horses for 6 months now and she’s hot, her voice is fine and she doesn’t work at the council”.

Well my friend, she’s one of the lucky ones, they haven’t gotten to her yet, but they will. Next time you cook her a steak dinner and she “accidently” bites her tongue, don’t say I didn’t warn you!